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Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Portrait of a Shambles

Sir Cadaver, foremost expert on and greatest collector of haunted paintings, was disgusted. "Blasted fleshbags! Where do they get off stealing my pride and joy?! I'll wreck them up but good for that!"
He sent a couple of his goons to a quiet little house in Lower Suburbia. "Let us in!" They wheezed, banging on the door.
"Hello. You will have to excuse the owners of this house but they are busy cowering for their lives. If you would be so good as to answer a few thousand questions I would be delighted to let you in."
"Durr, this is already boring. Also, we're at the wrong house."
Sir Cadaver, from his estate in gloomy Viletown, grumbled at their incompetence. "Bah! Chaotica! You know what to do."
"Yeah, yeah." The elderly zombie muttered, appearing at the correct house and causing every tap in the house to blow and sickening mold to grow within. "A millennia of faithful service and for what? I'm still waiting for that trip to San Fransisco you promised me."
"Bah!"
 The shambling essence of chaos poured snow onto the ground and  summoned zombies to dance around the house while the terrified Dell family stared mutely at the haunted portrait. Once stately and elegant, it now gleamed with an unsightly lustre and smelled faintly of rotten fish.
"What have we done?" They gasped.
At that moment, the door flew open and Chaotica swept in to take the painting. She returned it to her master and all was calm once again.
Save for one zombie that looked at Reilly Dell's abs and was blinded by their beauty. To this day, it wanders around, reaching for that impossible ideal.


The End

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Thoughts of a True Contestant

"Okay, you've got this, Merril. You've been training every day for the last month on every sort of hot dog out there. You've eaten your weight in tofu and pork until you're sick of it. Remember; you're not in it to get ahead of anyone else. Your only opponent is you."
DING! 
 "Ergh. This is tedious. Remember Kobayshi. You can do this, Merril. Two dogs a minute. Don't look at your opponents. You've got this."
DING! Merril's the winner!
"I did it! I knew I could do it! We did it, stomach! I am triumphant! Eat my dust (and those dogs), fools! I did it!"
"Urrrrrrrpppp. That was a nasty-tasting one. Ooh, my poor stomach. Toilet, toilet, toilet. Must get to the toilet. Ohhhh, I don't know if I'm going to make it. I am never going to eat another hot dog in my life ever again."

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Profile: Reilly Dell

A ginger Adonis is our Reilly. He owes a lot to his ancestor Parker for that delightful physique. Reilly is Merril's husband and father of 4 wonderful children. He wasn't very happy to be dragged out of bed in the early hours for this picture. No doubt he was having a lovely dream.
 When he was younger, Reilly loved nothing more than to take his rod and reel to the water and see what he could pull out of it.
 Later, he expanded his fishing to the ladies. During his early days with Merril he struggled into a pair of snake skin pants to try to impress her. It being the dead of winter, he quickly got a bad case of frostbite and had to be rushed to the hospital.
She found his desperation amusing and charming and soon they were married. Here Reilly is seen cuddling the first of his four children.

And no, he doesn't wear those pants anymore. Actually, they vanished from his wardrobe the very next day.

The End.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Theories Put Into Practice

      Nothing like an old-fashion blog entry. I do have a couple of story ideas but what I'm reading cries out for thought and discussion. I should have those stories ready for June but for now, let me meander down a path that has not been trod for some time.
      It must have been hard for a fellow like Ralph Miliband during the dying days of the Cold War and the fall of the Soviet Union. He passed away in 1994 but was working on "Socialism for a sceptical age" during those monumental years. I am currently reading this book and while I am finding it a little dry I can't help but feel for Miliband. Then again, I find myself feeling for anyone who believed in Socialism since the days of the Bolsheviks. Miliband is just the latest in a very long list of writers and thinkers.
      Miliband discusses the evils of capitalism as well (of course) in this book but more as a contrast to socialism and communism. He does not go out of his way to praise the Soviet leaders of the Cold War era, mind you. Probably because it would be hard to defend the likes of Mao, Stalin, the KGB, Khrushchev, and other leaders that cut bloody swathes through their countries. Hindsight is wonderful? Of course but absolute power corrupts absolutely and these leaders, while perhaps noble and innocent at first, were drawn to the trappings of power and that was it.
       It's the thinkers I feel for. They believed in socialism and were more than certain that this theory would lead humanity to a golden future. Fine enough in theory. Try putting it into practice. History records that this theory was put into effect with disastrous results. This probably has more to do with the leaders and not the theory. Try to imagine what Europe or North America would look like with socialism and not capitalism leading the way? Well, there's China....
       But the likes of Murdock and the Walton family would be horribly reduced under a socialist economy. Of course, I could be mistaken. I haven't finished reading this book. It's okay. I won't post a full review in a future entry. Anyway, that's my miserable scribbling done.


BYE.

Friday, May 19, 2017

The Marketing Department

Good evening fleshbags! I am a representative of Zomb. Inc's Marketing department. We'll be canvassing your neighbourhood this week. Do not be alarmed if you see us shambling around.
We are mainly interested in zombie pop culture and were wondering if you were familiar with any of the following. Samuel Beckett? Does he leave you 'Waiting'? Not him! William Shakespeare? Well, all the world's a stage and we are merely shamblers.
We also have a keen interest in later 20th century pop culture. Monty Python, Spitting Image, Red Dwarf - I myself can do a very good Luigi Vercotti. So why don't you open the door and tell me all about your interests in pop culture?
Not interested in pop culture? Well, how about politics? Our corporation is non-partisan so you can bet we can debate with the best of them. Remember; no matter whom you vote for, please vote in whatever elections are out there.
Oh, and did I mention you have a chance to win a prize for taking this questionnaire? We will be drawing six names to attend our upcoming Zombie Dance-Off! Fleshbags are welcome! Surely that's a good enough reason to share your thoughts with us! At least we're looking for thoughts; not the organ the thoughts come from.

The End.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Profile: Merril Dell

The golden ray of sunlight to the right is our Merril. She casts a jaundiced eye upon much of the world around her but for her family, she's nothing but the best kind of gold. On the weekends she can be found in front of the tube going to head-to-head with her sister-in-law Beth.
Today Merril's married and moved out but in the past she lived with her brother and sister-in-law and routinely blasted Beth to 16-bit bits. Her brother Declan admires her skill.
Merril also enjoys rocking with her amp, three chords, the truth, and her bassist baby brother. Here in the family home they practice their duets Thursdays after work. After she married her beloved Reilly she moved out but music and gaming remained important to her.
Mind you, she's not one to suffer fools. Especially not when expecting. Instead of fixing the T.V. her husband decided to be goofy. Small wonder she's so jaundiced!


The End.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Health Alert!

Be advised that there is a nasty disease currently making the rounds of your community. Symptoms include stomach cramps, wearing outlandish tights, and unmade beds.
 Further along in the disease's course patients report vomiting and other unspeakably disgusting symptoms. Anyone suffering these symptoms should have bed rest, fluids, and foot massages courtesy of their significant other.
 Males suffer different symptoms when dealing with this disease, it appears. Symptoms can include extreme fatigue and excessive sweating which can lead to overpowering body odour.
Treatment for males is similar to that for females; bed rest, plenty of fluids, and be certain to not eat any questionable meals. For instance, do not eat mac and cheese that emanates black smoke. This may hinder your recovery.


This has been a weird information moment.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Small Time

Before she was a success Niamh paid her dues on the mean suburban streets of Sometown. She'd be up and pounding the pavement by seven even in the chilliest weather. At first, her skills were few and often fizzling.
As the weeks wore on she sometimes only played to an audience of one. Her fridge looked pitifully bare at times and her boyfriend begged her to marry him and leave the tricks to others.
 Niamh was a survivor, however, and continued to ply her flash paper and light show to whomever showed an interest. She even brought her daughter Fiona along a few times. Bring Your Daughter to Work day started early in those days.
 Then came her big break. With help and advice from another magician she set up her stage and got ready to summon her doves and miracles from their dark recesses. From where he sat her husband could see the audience was staring down its collective nose at her and he decided to take action.
This show, being more about flashing than flash paper, was quickly cancelled.
In disgrace, Niamh returned to the streets; to her small yet fiercely loyal following. Someday she would be a roaring success. Until then, she'd entertain her way.
And her husband isn't allowed out of the house unless he's dressed.

The End

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

The Great Zombie Race of 2017

For several decades Zomb Incorporated has found itself in Reaper, Death, Rot, and Tomb's ugly shadow where the Great Zombie Race is concerned and the eminent law firm has never let us forget it. This year the race turns 3 centuries old and we are determined to win this time just to show those braggarts how real zombie shamble!
Steve Withered from our Central office is a fine shambler and our best chance to win this year. He's come in 2nd place in the last five races. "I just need to start training earlier." he assures us. How does four in the morning sound?
There's more than training involved in a race. Each year we have a fundraiser with the proceeds going to Brain Freeze Labs as we hope that someday we'll find a way to eradicate the debilitating warm fleshbag disorder. But until then, we go from door to door asking for funds and support for our runners.
 Of course, those poor souls already afflicted by WFD cannot possibly understand our goals. They usually refuse to help. "Yeah, it's frustrating but what can you do?" Mark Palsied said with a shrug as the door slammed in his face. 
On Race Night, won't you join us in cheering on our team to victory? Steve and the rest are counting on you, as are the thousands of zombies that are stricken with warm fleshbag disorder every year.
And don't forget... the more of us there to cheer our team on, the better the chance we have of beating Reaper, Death, Rot, and Tomb! Join us for the Great Zombie Race of 2017!

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Proprietor's Convention

The Monochrome Order of Proprietors met at 9 A.M. and began with a reading of the Charter. They grumbled inwardly at the thickness of the snow that lay underfoot. Winter conventions were always the worst.
After lunch more snow began to fall so they decided to inspect the stage for defects before returning to their chairs to discuss various important matters for the upcoming year.
And at the end of the day, they seconded and passed their motions and started for home.





The End

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Healing is a Slow Process

After the storm of his heartbreak had passed Paulus kept to himself for several years. While his wife raised the kids in their house he rented a shack by the water and spent his nights playing pool. He refused to come home; terrified that he might find her in bed with that vile vampire.
Sometimes Delaney, awash with guilt, would send Niamh or Declan over with dinner and a cheque. She knew they had both made mistakes and she could at least start making up in some way.
One evening he met the kids not far from his shack and said, his voice thick with tears. "I'm ready to come home now."
 Paulus and Delaney still slept in separate beds for another five years after that. It was only after a great deal of counselling and the fact that Allan was arrested and sent to prison for attempted murder, arson, and trying to bomb City Hall that Paulus felt he could start trusting his wife.
 Now retired, Paulus works on his memoirs while Delaney checks up on the children. They've all moved out and are living their own lives. She worries especially about Declan, who still doesn't know what he wants to do with himself and Niamh, who's career in street magic isn't doing that well.
Today, when not cooking family dinners and going for walks together, Paulus and Delaney enjoy each other's company and cruising on electric skateboards.



The End.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

No Soliciting!

 Before I became a district manager for Zomb. Inc I was like most of you. I paid my dues in the trenches and tore up gardens whenever I saw the chance. It's not always easy. The warm fleshbags have this annoying tendency to lock their gardens at night and run when they see us.
 My friend Sue has been in the business for 6 decades and she knows the importance of patience when lying in wait. And don't let inclement weather drive you off! Sue always brings her umbrella and deals with the elements with a smile on her face.
An added issue is the fact that the warm fleshbags have taken to bringing their plants inside when the weather turns cold. Breaking and entering is wrong on principle and can land a hard-working zombie in jail. But there are plants in there and they must be eradicated.
 The front door is usually guarded by a very loud noisemaker that summons the authorities so that's out. Dan here has discovered a rather effective technique for getting into houses where there are windows on the second floor. This is particularly effective when there already is a trampoline on the lot.
Thwarting the noisy device is difficult - do not attempt to defuse for you will be electrocuted! Magic is an untested technique but good on you, Luke, for giving it a shot!
Above all, don't give up! Every house has a weak spot. Just remain vigilant and inquisitive and you will find it!